Friday, February 26, 2010

Suburban warfare

SO, I punched and Emo kid a couple of days ago and I still don’t feel guilty about doin’ it. The little fuck deserved it …I think. I don’t know, but I’ll just put it out there and someone will let me know how I should feel, but I’ll let you know ahead of time that I’ll be giggling the whole time you’re talking.
It was first thing in the morning and I woke up on the couch again. I was still wearing a pair of jeans, some day old socks and needing coffee. I guess I didn’t have any in the house so I threw on a pair of flip-flops and a big hoodie with a fish on it.
I stuck my head in the shower, brushed my teeth and lit a Marlboro. With my refill cup in hand and looking truly “morning dickweed”, I set out across the big parking lot between my apartment and Circle “K”.
A few odd thoughts were floppin’ around in my head but nothing much heavier then how I wanted to mix my coffee and knowing I really needed to take a shower. Between these universe altering streams of consciousness were long expanses of dead air, A.M. radio kind of dead air.
I was staring at my yellowish socks and picking my ear when I noticed a couple of those dapper Emo guys walking towards me from the other side of the parking lot. Their heading was obviously going to intersect mine as I assumed their destination was slightly segued to my own planned trajectory.
I had an angle of approach already initiated and things were obviously well in motion. Having covered at least 11/16 th of the diagonal path that would lead me around the wall and into the parking lot of the “K” ,the shipping lanes had most definitely been established.
Unfortunately said Emo guys were too busy adjusting their retro fedoras and twirling the mandatory “ironic” mustache to notice that a collision would soon ensue if they didn’t adjust their course or alter their current speed. Being that I had indeed established the shipping lanes due to the amount of ground covered there no way I was going to adjust fuck all!
The two universes were converging as the sensitive, yet oblivious, intellectual world of “Emotional Youth” was about to meet the planet of half asleep, dirty assed, first thing in the morning, needing coffee, “Dickweed”.
The paradoxes that might ensue in conjunction with that event would be truly unquantifiable…any hypothesis as to its outcome does not have any basis in which to formulate any reasonable conclusion, educated guess or logical finality. Time and space may become blurred and any semblance to reality would be purely speculative. Somebody was fucked and I had no way of judging what was about to happen.
A moment in time that began in complete obscurity had traveled through the great abyss of improbability had culminated into the moment when I felt a boney Rayon covered shoulder bump into me with enough force to cross the line of aggression. My empty Styrofoam coffee cup fell to the ground with a “kluck” and time stopped. The next thing that was evident in the time space continuum was that my fist was firmly planted into the baby soft skin of Kid Emos ear.
It wasn’t a bar room sucker punch that’s sole function was to hopefully render ones opponent unconscious, it was more a humiliation thing. A goofy connection that almost seemed like it made an audible “skwock” like sound. ..if that makes any sense. It was as if my fist was pushing into a soft wad of chewing gum attached to a coconut and driving it onto the ground. The hit had enough force to get it there but not hard enough to crack the coconut. With that Kid Emo was on one knee, fedora crooked on his head and holding his ear like he had been kicked by yard gnome, all be it a gnome of some stature. Recoiling my fist back I could feel a slight sensation of vacuum releasing from the flat surface of my fingers as his auditory canal was once again free of obstruction and repressurized with a slight “pop”, more of a feeling then an actual noise but you get the idea.
I retrieve my renegade coffee cup and turned towards the other intimidating combatant whose battle armor included a pair of skin tight girl jeans and a scarf.
“Thor the Emotional” made a few hesitant steps toward the “Nerf “like battlefield and then stopped as the coconut with the bad hat looked up at me distastefully, with a hint of martyrdom thrown in for effect.
“You were supposed to get out of my way…it was completely obvious you dick” I said adamantly to the badly hatted coconut as he overdramatically righted himself on his feet still holding his ear.
“ …and you…” I said to The Mighty Thor, “…what kind of friend are you? I just hit the guy and you’re just standing there all inconsequential and shit!”
With his fingers pressed against his lips like a frightened Geisha he didn’t make a move and I think he might have peed a little. (I’m not sure about the peeing part but it makes me smile every time I think about it so it’s in).
Time then rolled back up on itself and the world broke free of its frozen instant once again clammering its way ahead, going about its morning tasks.
I turned a walked the last 1/8th of my journey deciding that I would have hazelnut creamer with my French roast coffee…I bought a pack of smokes while I was at it. I took a shower and changed my socks…it was a good morning! Have a nice day…”GTP”


  1. So I crawled out of my mattress on the floor at about 5:30 pm because I had been up all night working on a truck. I lit a smoke and tryed to ignore how bad my body ached. Loged on to see what was new and read the first line and laughed so hard I choked on the drag I just took of my cig. Thanks for shairing man, Just made my day. Im gonna chuckle about this all day. Keep up the good work

  2. Man you can write. it make's me the of Bukowski:)

  3. hey G, you should do this in a complete book, and i swear it will be a fuckin hit. thanx for bringin verbal art to us.

  4. So did you go and get checked out by highly trained medical specialists? To see if you might have picked up something? I'd hate to hear that you incubated into a fettish for Fedoras and funky clothes. Ah hell, either way....good job!

  5. I was watching a movie about Bukowski last night. Made me want to read some of his work.

    I was in the middle of an incident in Cincinnati last month, in which punches were thrown. We all mananged to get out of there before the cops got there and walked through the streets of Cincy, laughing like we's won a scratch off. The next mornng saw the main punch thrower and she said it felt like she'd took a 5000 pound shit. In fact, she's still smiling about it.

  6. Excellent. It's good to read your words again.

  7. Our world, the one where you don't act agressive unless you're ready be aggressive, is dying here in America. But keep fighting the good fight! That kid won't be shoulder checking a biker anytime soon.

  8. That was a great read G. Being Emo doesn't mean you get away with being arrogant. Ignorance will always somehow come round and bite you in the ass or in the ear as the case maybe, that'll learn him to respect his elders. Them fucken ear hits sting like a bitch too no matter how hard you get wacked. He was lucky that coffee cup was empty otherwise shit could have gotten ugly real fast. Cheers mate.

  9. Nice one man! Made my day reading that!

  10. I think those are the same kids that lick all the cups in that store.